Letting You Back In

A few of you have noticed that I took my blog private without any kind of notice of invitation to join. In fact, I only responded to a few people quickly that emailed me about it, being pretty vague about why I did. But now I'm ready to be back and open for blogging business again. Pretty much what it came down to was me having a nervous blog breakdown. :)

So I just want to air out a few things I've been thinking about. I hope you'll indulge me and not think I'm being crazy or dramatic.

I want you all to know something about me. Or specifically, who I am not. I am not perfect. I make mistakes a lot. I offend people a WHOLE lot. I eat too many bagels (with too much cream cheese). I'm not someone who remembers details. I'm not a great mom who always does educational activities. In fact, I let my child (who is under the recommended age of 2 or 3 or 85 whatever the age is) watch Sesame Street and Blue Clues (the horrors!). I don't always clean my kitchen every single day. My floor can get messy. I don't always get a shower everyday, and sometimes I get really frustrated by my whiney toddler.

But.

I'm also not the person that is going to talk about you behind your back. I'm not the person to spread your secrets. I'm not the person who judges you because your house is dirty when I drop by or your kids are having a bad day in Church. I don't care how many kids you do or don't have. I don't mind if you're having a hard day and need to vent. And although I can be talkative or blunt or seem extroverted at times, I'm not naturally some super-confident extrovert. I have to work at it, and I really have a hard time with it sometimes. I'm an extremely private person, who feels deeply, and thinks too much, and cares a lot about the people who I associate with.

So what I'm saying is this I guess--I was feeling a little judged. A lot judged (a lot of it probably from myself and also probably imagined). But I was feeling like people sometimes forget that I'm not the perfect person you might think I am just by reading this blog (if you're ever somehow gotten that crazy idea from reading this blog). Sometimes I tell you when I'm having a bad day, but mostly I don't. Sometimes I tell you when I'm struggling with things, but mostly I don't. And maybe I should be a bit more real, but I think it just happens sometimes with blogs. So I took a break to get my own perspective back about the real Jenn versus the blog Jenn. I was considering taking down my blog for good.
But then I read this post by a girl who happens to be my second cousin or something crazy like that (I found her blog in a funny way--I blog hopped onto her site and really liked her personality, and then found a post about her grandpa, who looked suspiciously like my great grandpa and had the same name. Anyway we figured out that my Mom is her cousin.) Anyway, the fact remains, I read this post and it put it back into perspective for me. Sometimes I think that other people's lives really are perfect. I think they are doing all of these fabulous things all day, and that my ho-hum no make-up existence is the exception, not the rule. That I'm the only one with insecurities about being a mom, a wife, and a person in general. It happens. And if that means that I have to close my life up for a while before I can be ready to share, I think that's what I gotta do.
But I hope you know that I realize it's me (not you) that needs to do the changing. I hope you also realize how much I appreciate that you take the time to read whatever I'm thinking and leave me notes of encouragement. Because at the end of the day, I think that's what I really take from this whole blogging thing. I take away your notes of confidence, encouragement, and reassurance that everyone's lives have a lot of the mundane and sorrows but also joys and surprises.

So I just wanted you to know that I'm glad to be back. And I'm glad I'm letting you back in too.